This post is dedicated to Jasmine GREEN TEA!!

Today I received a letter from jasmine. I saw the letter in her file with my name, I was kindaa of anticipated. Thinking back, I guess it was the second or third time that I received letter from her. The very first time she wrote to me was during YEAR ONE, because I was dead nervous about presenting class work during one of INTRO tutorial. I was like tongue-tied and Ms siok kia was like telling me off. I was super duper upset that time, everyone can do it why cant i?...And I received the first encouragement card from her the next day.

The letter that I received from her today its not encouragement card WOR. It’s just a letter, she expressed her thoughts to me. The content of the letter just hit that very CORE of my heart. She pointed out my blind spot that I didn’t even realize that. In fact she was telling me that she is struggling whether to tell me this or not. But I am really glad that she shared with me.

After reading that entire letter, I decided to BLOG how I feel.

Indeed, she pointed out that on those occasions I MISSED SCHOOL..okay put it that way..I SKIPPED school..and she was kinda of affected..she didn’t mentioned how she was affected but she just said AFFECTED. She knows and understands that i am not a person who will missed school for no reason or someone who is irresponsible for my studies. And it’s just that whenever I seemed tired and all in school, it’s kinda of affected HER very much.

I really feel DAMM guilty about this. I didn’t know how much my actions really affected her. Sometimes, I could’nt help it when I am tired..i have been forcing myself to study..went over to karen house and forced myself to get at least things done over there. For I know if I stay at home, I’ll get nothing done…cos satan keep tempting me with the image of my BED.

What really struck my heart is the question that she asked me:

“do you believe that God will meet your needs?”

It all comes to the ‘trust’ and ‘faith’. As I start to reflect my life recently, on the surface it seems that I have priorities GOD works above all things. But today I realized that right from the start- I have already failed the test that GOD has given me. I have chose SHORTCUT to pass this test, by skipping school..staying at home to MUG and to catch up with projects…and assignments…

WHY AM I DOING IT? Don’t I trust GOD that even if I attend lectures and tutorials I’ll till have time to do ALL my assignments or rather even if I am tired..DONT I trust God that he will strengthen me and give me STRENGTH?

Don’t mention about others, skipping lectures and tutorials may seem no BIG deal to other people. BUT the key thing here is that, do I really trust God? As much as I am convicted, but why IS IT that my actions are such contradicting? They said, what’s truly in your mind will manifest out by your actions. Perhaps that trust, that faith..is not 100% therefore its Just so contradicting.

LACK OF TRUST, LACK OF FAITH
GOD says “without faith it is impossible to please him”

As jasmine was sharing with me her conversation with her pastor
Jasmine: how do love god?
Pastor: we love GOD by obeying his commands
Jasmine: but why then do we say we love god and disobey him?
Pastor: it’s the lack of trust. We don’t trust him ENOUGH to do as he says.

The bottom line is about trusting God. AM I? Im searching my heart, deep in me..i don’t wanna say I trust GOD because I need to…its not a task to trust GOD…

The last sentence that jasmine wrote in the letter “the problems in life that you face are pushing you towards your purpose” …

I think its time for reflection…

I really thank GOD for jasmine!
This SEMESTER, I really lack of motivation to study! When I see my friendship with my clique just drifted apart, I feel that pinch in my heart. I thought that nobody will cares, just like how much I wish to just FADE off. I don’t wanna to get attention from people..and I just make myself invisible if possible. And last week, I was kinda of sick and I skipped tutorial..and I received calls from jasmine…eileen..and even LAY Msn-ing me asking me why I never come for tutorial…- you know how touched I FEEL? I really feel that urge to cry.

The reason I hate TAS and like TP is because I can feel myself exists when I am in the crowd, I know its SUPER DUPER WRONG, I get my security FROM PEOPLE more than GOD. Okay fine, God has revealed my weakness each day and I really want to grow in this area. INSECURITY!

I really thank GOD for Xavier
A guy who really love me like a sister! He just gives me that motivation to pursue what I really wanna to do in my life. He trust in my character even in times when I seems drifted away from the rest of the clique. I feel so DAMM touched when he told me he want to get DHL with me..he wanna to see me on stage for 08/09. And even when I said I really cant do it..he still believe in me.

Today as I was sharing with jasmine, I find that all along I have been flowing around what GOD wanna me to do in life…that I don’t really Dare to think much about the future. Im so scared, what if I strive so hard towards that dream and in the end GOD just twist it? A lot of people has been asking me “why u want to do when u graduate?’ deep inside I have that answer but I don’t dare to talk about it.

My desire, My dream is to travel round the world, exploring different parts of the world- their culture, their history, interacting with people, joining them in their way of living, sharing life together, settling down for a period and survive by getting a part time job there, later on start moving to another country and same thing over and over again, Wherever I go, I call that my home. That’s my desire, my dream. It may seem like HUH? Amanda must be crazy? Okay there might be lots of concerns, this and that..but that’s always what I wanan to do in the near future. It’s not something that is “3mins HOTNESS degree” (Chinese) All along this is my desire, I am not those people who can settle down and work 9am to 6pm person, I am more of adventurous and explorer kinda of person.

And jasmine told me to pray about it, she called it church planters? I don’t know? I hope God can use this desire of mine to serve him more.

WOAH AMEN!